One Chin or Two?

One of the things that keeps me really motivated to lose weight is the fact that I very easily get a double chin. I know, I know. This blog is such a f*&^%$ First World Problem.
"oooo I live in such a rich country that I have the opportunity to eat too much and still have a roof over my head"...Get a grip, woman!

And yes, the feminist I have been actively been for the past 20 years absolutely hates the fact that I give a fuck about my weight. It's what's on the inside that counts, blah blah blah. It's all true. My vision of beauty is entirely patriarchal. I have been shaped by the dominant and narrow views of beauty as a number. But then again, what's my alternative?

Avoid mirrors, bathers, beaches, sex with lights on, dancing, performing, fitted clothes, shopping all together? I am familiar with avoiding all of these things, and feel like I need to at certain points. And it just doesn't work for me.

I feel horrible in myself when I am not actively controlling what I put into my mouth. I can feel so relaxed when eating pizza on the couch, that for the first couple of months of allowing myself not to track calories vs exercise, that I can fool myself into thinking that I am happy. But the symptoms of my 'relaxed' approach always seem to seep through. I always begin to bulge, not fit into clothes, resist buying larger ones that actually fit (cause I feel like I have to admit that I 'failed') and then have nothing to wear, feeling even more frumpy than I otherwise might.

So here I am. Able to admit that there are flaws in my feminist logic. That I too, am perpetuating a narrow vision of beauty. But I am reframing it to both myself and others as being about 'health', and for me, that first step is about increasing exercise, and decreasing overall crap food intake.  It has worked before, it will work again, but in the meantime I just have to accept that there are other emotional benefits for me in controlling my body - some of which are rational, and some of which are not.

This morning, with 24 hours left until weigh in, the scales sang me a 74.7kgs result. Let's see what tomorrow brings.

Cheers,
A
xx